quick post about my general state of being
it's been since december 2024 when i last posted. around october of 2025 my abusive dad kicked me out of my home after a traumatic threat to me and my partner's life, and essentially had just a bag of clothes and no money and no income. my 'friend' graciously hosted me for 3 days, but then kicked me out while i didn't have a plan of where to go next. i didn't exactly have a network of friends with stable living & enough room to host a couple. i got lucky enough that my partner's estranged grandma was able to host us for a little bit, but that living situation was also rough - she kicked out my partner when they were a teen and i met them when they were a homeless youth. we (two XL people, lol) shared a twin bed in a tiny closet of a room while we tried to get our lives stable with a very unstable relative. it was impossible to get any sleep and the body aches were constant. the stress got to us. i managed to get a job after 100's of applications but even then, it was a very slow start & about a month before i even got my first paycheck. did i mention my partner got injured on the job during all this? so we were dependent on worker's comp that also was messed up - we even reached out for legal help. i reached out to housing programs that were very unreliable and despite being told a case manager would reach out to me many times because i was a domestic violence case - i still never heard back from one to this day! we relied on a very generous community that was able to raise enough money for us to rent an apartment, but even that was rough since our credit was shit. no one wanted to rent a room to a couple either! well, except for my current housing situation that i landed very very very last minute since they were also desperate to find someone to fill a room. i moved in to my new place in december but we slept on the floor our first night because someone who promised us an air mattress fell through. i'm very very grateful for my partner's friend who gifted us a mattress and a lamp and a bed frame and bedding. i'm still trying to get our room furnished (i got us one fold out chair!) but with how expensive our rent is - i'm living paycheck to paycheck with not much left after bills and food. my partner's hours at work have been cut and i'm stressed about making enough with my job alone. i'm writing this now because some new revelations have made some things very bittersweet and i wanted an outlet. while i am still truly grateful for the help i received, some people who gave me that help did other things that have soured our relationship. i relied on someone who publicly states all the time that the price of community is inconvenience - and has offered to help me - and when i followed up on that - they turned around to talk to my friends behind my back about how i took advantage of them. i was homeless and you were not ;; ? you kicked me out while i was crying, still shaken from the violent incident, and said i could go to the shelter - when it was late at night and no shelter does intakes past 4pm? ;; ? i still showed up for their event two days later despite feeling kind of weird about it,then telling my friends how i don't make the effort to hang out while i was still in survival mode afterwards. similarly - the person who set up our fundraiser and donated a lot to us was my partner's boss and ended up abusing their power as a boss to sexually harass my partner. so their help felt like a big elaborate effort to make a move on my partner during a very vulnerable time. we considered her a friend! we had thanksgiving dinner together! if i ever wanted to physically fight someone it's her. not to mention our roommate situation has been stressful too - one roommate took my very time sensitive mail (I was applying for SNAP & they knew that) and put it in a place that wasn't very obvious without telling me, then never took any responsibility when i asked next time to just let me know. there have been other things - like constantly locking my partner out of the apartment (we have a lock that can't be unlocked with a key) who has a very late night work schedule - so i'd be woken up at 4,5 in the morning to let them in. establishing boundaries that were very.. "rules for thee but not for me", so to speak. kept ignoring my request for the original lease, until i confronted them in person and looked quite taken aback by it. even questioning why i wanted it - like ??????? its legally required??? anyways. there have been more things but these are just what come to mind for now. i'm trying my best to live in peace but even getting a stable prescription for my anti depressants have been a struggle. i was cutting them in half to keep it going longer, but as of today i'm officially out. sigh. ;_; everything feels so overwhelming.
if anyone i owe a response to is reading this - it truly is not out of malice that i haven't gotten back. i'm still mentally stuck in my past abusive housing situation and trying to rebuild myself but it isn't a linear progression. i still don't have all of my belongings so my access to a computer is limited between work and my desire to lay in bed because i'm so burnt out. i feel a great shame for having let so many things fall to the wayside. that's just how i'm feeling right now.