i've been trying to work on my mental health but it's a process. i've been thinking lately about the negative feedback loops depression traps you in. it's like having a panic attack: you feel like you're dying so panic attacks can be so overwhelmingly distressing. in the moment you're convinced that you are dying. it takes help from another person to convince you that - what you are experiencing is a panic attack and you won't die from it - this feeling will pass. and to have that person walk you through some steps to help 'come down' from the feeling. for me, it's splashing (or rather submerge) cold water on my face, eating ice cubes, changing my environment, taking a shower, doing some grounding techniques, and of course breathing. eventually, you will start to recognize when you are on the verge of a panic attack and do the steps that help you calm down. i haven't had a panic attack in a few weeks now. :)

i think it's the same with the negative cycle of thoughts your 'monkey brain' has. (a term my therapist described to me the other day LOL). this is something i have to remind myself: i lack serotonin, so my body isn't functioning 100%. this means that depression isn't a character trait i have, but rather more like a chronic illness that can be treated. when i feel like everyone hates me, that's my depression/monkey brain talking. when you tell yourself negative things all the time you start to believe it, and it can quickly escalate. it goes a little something like this:

i feel lonely -> i am alone because i don't have many friends -> i must not have many friends because there's something wrong with me -> the friends i do have must not really want my company -> i don't know how to make friends anymore so i deserve this loneliness -> i'm an awful person -> i hate myself and want to die

geez! that's an exhausting way of looking at every. single. thing. i've convinced myself that i deserve to be lonely and recluse socially, thus bringing me back to point a - i still feel lonely, but now i hate myself. instead, it could look something more like...

i feel lonely -> let's reach out to my friends who i love and are my friends because they like my company too and sometimes life gets in the way of being able to connect socially because we are all burned out -> hey while we're at it let's reach out to some acquaintances and maybe make some new friends because that's how that works!

okay, that's much more pleasant. i tend to get stuck in these negative thoughts. and sometimes you just need professional help to get you to 'come down' from your depressed monkey brain. it's very very easy to keep yourself in a negative loop so much so, that you don't even realize it. it gets lodged in the depths of your mind that it's your default state of being - you'll think everything is negative and you don't even realize it. it's exhausting.

i have to say, the therapy lamp i got last week seems to be helping. it helps my mood go from -1 to just 0, haha. i do feel a little less 'blah' when i use it. i've been working on projects that i enjoy, and starting to feel a little inspired again. i'm trying to re-set my mind to a better default but it will take consistent work. as with any life changing process (like losing weight!), you'll have your ups and downs. i didn't get this way overnight and it's gonna take some effort and time to get out of it.

p.s. i've been obsessed with this video lately. i discovered a whole new genre!! it's very quaint and peaceful, and perhaps fulfills that wanderlust desire. there's just something i really enjoy about exploring a neighborhood and taking in the architecture, the lived-in-ness of a space. catching the little details and all, the kind of time i'm not really afforded if i was walking around in real life - i'm too preoccupied with having a physical body. there are also just things you wouldn't catch in the moment, but having it in video reveals it all. i do the same thing in some video games - just walk around and take in the environment. i appreciate a space that feels lived-in, and that's the energy i want to put into making my own game environments. for another blog post...:-)

xoxo, cinni