i've been slacking on my logs, but it is what it is. still feeling boughts of depression despite the pills and therapy, for a myriad of reasons but nonetheless the winter time certainly doesn't help. i've had to bust out my happy light this week, but i'm happy to say i've been keeping up with my walking habit even if i don't post about it. :)

i've had a few life events keep me busy - been making paintings for exhibitions, and have future exhibition plans too, gah! on top of trying to do commissions while having the worst executive dysfunction. with my struggling mental health, it's a miracle if i get stuff done haha. apologies to any possible clients reading this, the reality is my mental health is affecting me a lot more than i'd like to admit. i think i'm in that phase of "it gets worse before it gets better" in terms of my recovery. It's been a while since I had a good cry about my best friend, but I told my therapist a lot more in detail about her last few months and it was the first time my therapist offered me a hug (and really the first time i cried all session like that, haha). i still have a lot more to say but it feels good to get it off my chest again (even if ive said it all before so many times). grief is so hard to process. a few years have passed and i've cried less and less about it, but that pain is always there. my therapist described it as the pain still being there, but my experience being much bigger as time goes by and then in comparison the pain doesn't feel so big anymore.

it hurts the most when i think about how she should be here for my biggest life events, but all i can really do now is carry on her love and do my best now. i'm really happy with my current therapist and the work we've done so far and feel confident about the future, even if i still feel low in the moment. it hurts to admit i need a lot more help than i realized (like, feeling like im lazy when in reality my body is too fatigued to do my usual limit) but i'm trying to find a better balance in things. gotta wake up early in the morning so i'll leave my thoughts here, but it's nice to let it out sometimes. i'm alive and i'll post again. xoxoxoxo